Nobody Loved You Like I Do, But All You’ve Done Is Ruin Me

There is a rare intensity about the love/hate relationship we who struggle with addiction find with the substances we abuse.  As addicts we obviously develop mental and physical dependency, but some people don’t even realize the emotional attachments we can create. The act of writing a ‘goodbye letter’ to a specific DOC (Drug of Choice) and including some of the passion and pain we experience in active addiction can prove to be powerful and liberating action in the early stages of recovery. Finding those feelings of desperation and using the momentum of that memory, we can try and cut these emotional ties that bind us to our addictions.

Today we have a guest blogger who was brave enough to share her ‘goodbye letter’ in the hopes that it will help someone else who may still be struggling with the emotional chaos created by substance abuse. I myself was reminded of the agony of active addiction, and could feel in these honest words this young woman’s conviction.

Dear Heroin, D’s, Crack & Benzos,

You guys are all my favorite. Not one more than the other. What I’ll miss the most is the feeling that you give me; the instant gratification that I love. The f*ck everything & everyone attitude I have when you’re around. You’re such an easy escape for me & I don’t have to even think twice about what to do when you’re around. I miss the good times, when I wasn’t sick without you. When I could take you or leave you; it was better then, than it is now. Nobody loved you like I do. No one understands how you could mean more to me than anything in this world, when all you’ve done is ruin me. And even though I feel like I’m not ready to be without you anymore, I need to say goodbye. And this time, it has to be for good because the more I come back to you, the worse it gets. I don’t miss searching for you all day. I don’t miss the complete emptiness I feel when I can’t find you. Everything comes second to you when you’re in my life, and before you showed up, I never felt anything like the pain you’ve cause me. Over the years, you’ve grown on me & in a bad [way]. All I’ve got to show for you is burns & track marks that I’ll have for the rest of my life. You’ve left me with nothing else besides a fear of life itself & countless burned bridges, as well as money spent that I don’t have in the first place. I’ll spend the rest of my life paying for the shit you got me into, and for that I f*cking hate you. The pathetic thing about it is that I know I’ll never be able to forget you, despite the fact that my life is more complete without you then it ever would have been if I kept you around. I’m done with giving & giving & getting locked up or sold or waking in a f*cking hospital all for you when all you do is hurt me. I realize now that I feel so much better on my own. I don’t need you anymore & even in my moments of weakness, I know that I don’t want you bad enough to go back to the way things were. Nothing feels as good as knowing that I never have to see you again.

P.S. I totally used you.

Love,

Shannon McLaughlin